Take out: maybe it's not us...it's you

If you could see my face through the phone when you request 8 million modifications to your dish, you'd never order from us again. 

-Your attempt to make the chicken Parmesan and linguine healthy by saying "no added salt or oil, we're on a diet" is futile. *Roll the eyes*

-"Will you come out and get my credit card, run it, and bring the food to me? It's raining and I don't want to get out of my car." Because I want to go out in the rain. *Throwing daggers at you with my eyes*

-"I want the chicken piccata."

"Okay, one chicken piccata."

"But I want you to make sure you got that. They always give me the wrong thing and it's really obnoxious. I want the breaded chicken cutlet with the butter caper sauce. You got that?"

"Ma'am, you're describing the chicken scallopini. That's the one with the potatoes and tomatoes. Do you want the chicken scallopini?"

"Well no one told me it was the scallopini. I need that. You got that?"

*Smirks to self at woman's stupidity*

"You've been ordering the wrong thing, that's why you haven't been getting what you wanted. One chicken scallopini. It will be ready in 15-20 minutes."

-If you modify everything on 4 dishes and something doesn't come out exactly right, I don't feel bad. Such as: "I want the salmon al forno with the skin peeled off the bottom, slightly undercooked, with ziti cooked al dente instead of potatoes, broccoli instead of spinach, no oil on anything, and everything needs to be in a separate container." Maybe you're asking too much?

-I know in my own ordering history, take out is a gamble. You might get exactly what you ordered...or you might not. We do our best, but something might be not exactly right or by the time you eat it an hour and a half later, it might not taste as good. That's take out for you. Don't call us to complain that you "didn't get enough capers on your chicken piccata" and you "order the chicken piccata specifically for the capers." So now you want a free meal? 

-I'm not going to give you stuff for free: "I want the veal Parmesan, but instead of linguine I want gnocchi with pink sauce."

"Okay sir, there will be an added charge for gnocchi instead of linguine."

"What do you mean? It's a pasta!"

"Gnocchi is actually more expensive and typically a separate dish."

-Or: "I want one side of rigatoni with pomodoro. Also, I want 2 sides of Parmesan cheese (no charge), hot oil (no charge), and lots of focaccia bread (no charge)." You're taking advantage of us. That's a $3 dish. You don't tip. And your LV wallet and Lexus show you could afford to tip or order more. At least be pleasant to us (she's not).

-If you do order a million things or modify everything and make it complicated please tip. 

-Don't ask me to read every ingredient in every salad or pizza to you over the phone. You could google our menu. I've actually told someone this on a busy night. "Do you have an iPhone?" 

"Yes."

"Our menu is online."

If you do make me do this, be nice and/or tip me. I've had some very long and pleasant conversations helping people who were kind to me.

-You should know what you want when you call. I don't mind answering questions, but I hate when someone says: "Now I don't know what I want." Ummm okay? Call me back when you do? This is strictly business here.

-If you bitch me out that I don't have an order that your husband placed and then subsequently find out your husband didn't place the order yet, please apologize. It's not my fault your husband is lazy and unreliable. I call in all my own take out orders.

-What do you expect when you ask for "tomato sauce without the chunks in it"? Do you think the cooks are going to strain our chunky pomodoro sauce for your child's spaghetti? That's laughable. 

-If you tell a hostess to shut up while she's describing the specials you asked about, don't be surprised if she hangs up on you. We are people, too. Be respectful. Expecting a free meal because she hung up on you? Okay. But we now all know your name. If I were you I'd be embarrassed to ever order from that restaurant again. 

-If you repeatedly have issues with your order on take out, maybe you should stop ordering take out from us. It's not us, it's you.