Things I don't appreciate (that happened tonight)

1. As I am preparing/wrapping the last bit of takeout, taking out the trash, and closing out the third party delivery service I find myself running all over the restaurant. It's very quiet and I'm working the front alone. It's 9:30. We close at 10:00.  

I return to the front of the restaurant to a middle aged couple standing around off to the side. I asked if they were "all set." I couldn't tell if they were leaving after their meal, if they were waiting on take out, if they'd been helped by a server or manager, or if they were waiting for a table.

"Um no."

"So you'd like a table for 2?" I ask this for two reasons. One being I want to clarify that they are actually there for a sit down dinner (not take out, general inquisitions about the restaurant--people do that, to use the bathroom, or to pick up a lost and found item or credit card). And the second being I want to clarify the number of people in their party (are they waiting for another person/people? This would impact where I'd sit them). 

"That's what we're not all set means." This wasn't said joking or in good spirits. This was condescending and rude.

So I did it, the unthinkable--I spoke back (GASP!). "That's what I was getting at originally, sir." I raised my eyebrows and and dead panned this. You, sir, are an asshole.

2. Two guys walk into the restaurant. There will be three total and they'd like to be seated now--no reservations. I take them to a nice table along the window. Upon being brought to the table they then tell me they wanted something more private (am I a mind reader? How would I have known this? And why couldn't they have mentioned this before I bring them to this table?).

"Okay, give me just a minute and let me see what else I have." So I return to the computer and other hostess to see if we have anything available. After finagling some reservations and shuffling some servers around we secure a private table for them away from people.

I take them to their table. "No I don't want that table--we'll take this table," gesturing to a table by the fireplace in the middle of multiple parties, "would your boyfriend sit you at that table?"

"Okay, this table should be fine for you," I respond. This is in no way what they have described wanting. They also knew I had to double check I didn't have reservations. So denying the second table was a pretty big F you to me. 

But if that wasn't bad enough, the guy kept going! He stood there and demanded I respond, "I'll ask you again, would your boyfriend take you out and have you sit there?" I look at him confused. I believe it would be the hostess seating me at a table and not a boyfriend, right? 

He continues to stand there looking at me waiting expectantly. It's none of your goddamn business, you prick. But I respond, I just can't keep my mouth shut, "I don't have a boyfriend, I can take myself out for food, and I'd sit at the table I was given." This apparently shocks him but his business partner bursts out laughing and says, "Good for you!"

3. Don't ever wave your finger at me. I am not a dog. I am not a child. I am not beneath you. And I don't care if you're a regular and you're old. It's rude. You don't like the table I'm taking you to? Use your words. Don't stop in the middle of the dining room and wave your index finger back and forth like I'm being disciplined. 

2 days until Valentine's Day and not a reservation to be had, not even the lounge

Valentine's Day is in 2 days. If you wanted to get a reservation for 2 people at 7:00 by the fireplace you should have made your reservation over a week ago. If you wanted a regular dinner time, you should have made your reservation over the weekend. As of 2 days ago we really didn't have any reservations in the main dining room between 6:00 and 8:00. We are booked. Good for us, bad for you.

So you don't plan ahead. I understand. We're not all planners. I feel for you, silly boyfriends who forgot this is the all-important holiday. You can tell the desperation in their voice when they call--they're very polite and will take that oddly early or late reservation. 

Now, if you're a middle aged woman (a self-proclaimed "regular") and ask for a reservation for 4 people at 7:00 by the fireplace at 9:30 this evening, I will also do what I can to help. However, the only availability I have is 5:45 or 8:00 in the lounge. I apologize (whilst snickering to myself that people are that ignorant about Valentine's Day reservations) explaining that's all I have since it is, in fact, Valentine's Day. 

Apparently I don't know who she is. She "always sits by the fireplace with [insert specific server here]." I don't play that game. I explain the times I have available again and that they're in the lounge (read: bar). She tells me her kids used to work there. In my opinion, then she should know she is being a huge bitch and that this is unacceptable behavior to berate the hostess over reservations. If I overbook the dining room it will screw up the whole night and I will get in trouble. So Mrs. [insert English name here], I am not going to go out on a limb for you.

Go ahead, ask for my manager. I am doing what I'm supposed to. Now unfortunately for you, Mrs. [insert English name here], I have told my manager you're on line 1 but she is too busy to take your call right away and has already forgotten you were waiting on hold. Typically I would go gently remind my manager about the call waiting for her, but she looks busy and Mrs. [insert English name here] is a super rude human.

So I clocked out and left for the night.

Be nice to your hostesses, we are the gate keepers. Happy almost Valentine's Day.

Take out: maybe it's not us...it's you

If you could see my face through the phone when you request 8 million modifications to your dish, you'd never order from us again. 

-Your attempt to make the chicken Parmesan and linguine healthy by saying "no added salt or oil, we're on a diet" is futile. *Roll the eyes*

-"Will you come out and get my credit card, run it, and bring the food to me? It's raining and I don't want to get out of my car." Because I want to go out in the rain. *Throwing daggers at you with my eyes*

-"I want the chicken piccata."

"Okay, one chicken piccata."

"But I want you to make sure you got that. They always give me the wrong thing and it's really obnoxious. I want the breaded chicken cutlet with the butter caper sauce. You got that?"

"Ma'am, you're describing the chicken scallopini. That's the one with the potatoes and tomatoes. Do you want the chicken scallopini?"

"Well no one told me it was the scallopini. I need that. You got that?"

*Smirks to self at woman's stupidity*

"You've been ordering the wrong thing, that's why you haven't been getting what you wanted. One chicken scallopini. It will be ready in 15-20 minutes."

-If you modify everything on 4 dishes and something doesn't come out exactly right, I don't feel bad. Such as: "I want the salmon al forno with the skin peeled off the bottom, slightly undercooked, with ziti cooked al dente instead of potatoes, broccoli instead of spinach, no oil on anything, and everything needs to be in a separate container." Maybe you're asking too much?

-I know in my own ordering history, take out is a gamble. You might get exactly what you ordered...or you might not. We do our best, but something might be not exactly right or by the time you eat it an hour and a half later, it might not taste as good. That's take out for you. Don't call us to complain that you "didn't get enough capers on your chicken piccata" and you "order the chicken piccata specifically for the capers." So now you want a free meal? 

-I'm not going to give you stuff for free: "I want the veal Parmesan, but instead of linguine I want gnocchi with pink sauce."

"Okay sir, there will be an added charge for gnocchi instead of linguine."

"What do you mean? It's a pasta!"

"Gnocchi is actually more expensive and typically a separate dish."

-Or: "I want one side of rigatoni with pomodoro. Also, I want 2 sides of Parmesan cheese (no charge), hot oil (no charge), and lots of focaccia bread (no charge)." You're taking advantage of us. That's a $3 dish. You don't tip. And your LV wallet and Lexus show you could afford to tip or order more. At least be pleasant to us (she's not).

-If you do order a million things or modify everything and make it complicated please tip. 

-Don't ask me to read every ingredient in every salad or pizza to you over the phone. You could google our menu. I've actually told someone this on a busy night. "Do you have an iPhone?" 

"Yes."

"Our menu is online."

If you do make me do this, be nice and/or tip me. I've had some very long and pleasant conversations helping people who were kind to me.

-You should know what you want when you call. I don't mind answering questions, but I hate when someone says: "Now I don't know what I want." Ummm okay? Call me back when you do? This is strictly business here.

-If you bitch me out that I don't have an order that your husband placed and then subsequently find out your husband didn't place the order yet, please apologize. It's not my fault your husband is lazy and unreliable. I call in all my own take out orders.

-What do you expect when you ask for "tomato sauce without the chunks in it"? Do you think the cooks are going to strain our chunky pomodoro sauce for your child's spaghetti? That's laughable. 

-If you tell a hostess to shut up while she's describing the specials you asked about, don't be surprised if she hangs up on you. We are people, too. Be respectful. Expecting a free meal because she hung up on you? Okay. But we now all know your name. If I were you I'd be embarrassed to ever order from that restaurant again. 

-If you repeatedly have issues with your order on take out, maybe you should stop ordering take out from us. It's not us, it's you.

Truths of the front door

Here are a few things (secrets?) that I have found to be true of working the front door (hostessing):

-If you call for a reservation and/or general questions for us during the peak of dinner hour (5pm-8pm) and no one picks up or we put you on hold--we're too busy to deal with you. You should have called earlier for a reservation tonight and if it's for tomorrow you should call in the morning.

-Getting mad at me because the reservation time you want is unavailable does not impress me. Go ahead, complain or go silent thinking I'm going to make it all better. Sorry I cannot accommodate a party of 8 at 7:30 this evening. A lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part (words of wisdom imparted on me from my mother).

-That being said, if you are a regular (and I know you, you can't just say you're a regular) and you're nice to me (this is key--if you're an asshole, I don't care who you are), I will do everything I can to get you that table you want in the middle of dinner hour with no reservation when there's a 30 minute wait. In fact, I did this last night for a man who is always so pleasant to me.

-Yes, we do forget that people on the phone are on hold. There's often too much going on in person. Yes, the customers in the restaurant are more important than you. If this happens, simply call back and say you were on hold for awhile. Don't bitch us out. We will apologize profusely (even though we don't really care) and do our best to not put you back on hold. 

-Sometimes we forget that you're on the wait list. If it gets close to the time we told you for a table you can check in with us--just be nice! But if we tell you 25-30 minutes, don't ask us how it's looking after 10 minutes. I will get snarky and ask you to step away from the host stand.

-If you're rude to me upon arrival I'm not going to go out of my way to seat you or give you a good table. Why should I? I'm a person, too.

-A request for a specific table or server is just that--a request. We only have 5 booths and that server everyone loves only has 4 tables. Obviously we cannot guarantee you will be granted this request. We will try our best. If you made a reservation, we have guaranteed you a table and service in our restaurant. Don't forget that.

-I'm not impressed when you tell me you'll take your business elsewhere if you don't get that table you want. You're that obnoxious? I don't want your business. Neither do the servers.

-And if you do have a request for a server or table, tell us before we bring you to a table and you sit down. Now you're just being a pain in the ass. I have sat you, cleared the extra settings, and taken your coats. NOW YOU WANT A BOOTH?! Did you not know this 5 minutes ago?!

-You were just called off the 45 minute wait list and had no specific request for a table, you have been given the one open table in the middle of the dining room--don't ask for another table. Where is this fabled "other table" you speak of? You were lucky this one opened up.

-If you've visited us before and were rude or tipped your server poorly they may specifically request that I not seat you in their section. I'm not kidding. I have servers that won't serve certain families or couples. 

-If you tip your server poorly, they often tell me before you walk out. I am probably going to throw you some shade or not thank you for your business. 

-We have a complimentary valet. I don't appreciate when a gentleman (read: asshole) bundled up in his winter coat and gloves asks me (in a dress and high heels) to "run his ticket out to the valet" in the snow. Ladies, if you ever see your man pull this move--here's your sign (thank you Bill Engvall).

-Approaching me by saying: "You know, I never complain, but..." Okay, so don't. I hear this at least once a night and usually it's from people that complain. A lot. A complaint is a complaint. Sometimes they are valid. Most are not.

A hostess is but a mere servant to the people

I will not name names, but I am currently employed as a hostess 6 nights a week at a *slightly* upper scale Italian chain restaurant. Nothing fancy. No dress code. Family-friendly (Yes! Children ARE allowed!) Dinners are about $30 per person (Unless you complain!). You get it.

Unfortunately it is located in the heart of suburbia Massachusetts.  This means bored housewives who don't cook, frustrated husbands doing their wives bidding, and spoiled children. (Some may argue I fall into the spoiled child category, but that is neither here nor there...)

After several months "working with the public" (read: judging the public), I have come to realize--in the eyes of one judgy ex-boyfriend--I am but a mere peasant serving their every whim. 

I will re-emphasis, I am a hostess. What could I possibly have to do that is so outlandish "serving" the "upper class" (read: if they were richer they would eat somewhere fancier), you ask? Don't I just seat people at tables and give them menus? Yeah, I was disillusioned and thought that when I started working there, too.

The customer is always (read: never) right. I mean the customer understands how to run a restaurant ("You know, the old owners didn't do it like that! This is what you should do!"), how to seat the dining hall ("I see empty tables! I can sit right there!"), how to execute the waiting list and reservations ("I arrived here before them, and they were just seated!"), and cook all the food ("But the chef should be able to cook that item that used to be on the menu 3 years ago! He knows me! I'm a regular!").

If this offends you, then you're probably one of THOSE people and I discourage you from reading further. Go ahead and call 781-XXX-XXXX and order a side of rigatoni with extra cheese, extra sauce, hot oil and extra bread (total cost: $3.16) and do tell me to hurry! 

Enjoy the anecdotes and insults thrown my way. I laugh at it (after a glass of wine or two), so I hope you can, too.