Truths of the front door

Here are a few things (secrets?) that I have found to be true of working the front door (hostessing):

-If you call for a reservation and/or general questions for us during the peak of dinner hour (5pm-8pm) and no one picks up or we put you on hold--we're too busy to deal with you. You should have called earlier for a reservation tonight and if it's for tomorrow you should call in the morning.

-Getting mad at me because the reservation time you want is unavailable does not impress me. Go ahead, complain or go silent thinking I'm going to make it all better. Sorry I cannot accommodate a party of 8 at 7:30 this evening. A lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part (words of wisdom imparted on me from my mother).

-That being said, if you are a regular (and I know you, you can't just say you're a regular) and you're nice to me (this is key--if you're an asshole, I don't care who you are), I will do everything I can to get you that table you want in the middle of dinner hour with no reservation when there's a 30 minute wait. In fact, I did this last night for a man who is always so pleasant to me.

-Yes, we do forget that people on the phone are on hold. There's often too much going on in person. Yes, the customers in the restaurant are more important than you. If this happens, simply call back and say you were on hold for awhile. Don't bitch us out. We will apologize profusely (even though we don't really care) and do our best to not put you back on hold. 

-Sometimes we forget that you're on the wait list. If it gets close to the time we told you for a table you can check in with us--just be nice! But if we tell you 25-30 minutes, don't ask us how it's looking after 10 minutes. I will get snarky and ask you to step away from the host stand.

-If you're rude to me upon arrival I'm not going to go out of my way to seat you or give you a good table. Why should I? I'm a person, too.

-A request for a specific table or server is just that--a request. We only have 5 booths and that server everyone loves only has 4 tables. Obviously we cannot guarantee you will be granted this request. We will try our best. If you made a reservation, we have guaranteed you a table and service in our restaurant. Don't forget that.

-I'm not impressed when you tell me you'll take your business elsewhere if you don't get that table you want. You're that obnoxious? I don't want your business. Neither do the servers.

-And if you do have a request for a server or table, tell us before we bring you to a table and you sit down. Now you're just being a pain in the ass. I have sat you, cleared the extra settings, and taken your coats. NOW YOU WANT A BOOTH?! Did you not know this 5 minutes ago?!

-You were just called off the 45 minute wait list and had no specific request for a table, you have been given the one open table in the middle of the dining room--don't ask for another table. Where is this fabled "other table" you speak of? You were lucky this one opened up.

-If you've visited us before and were rude or tipped your server poorly they may specifically request that I not seat you in their section. I'm not kidding. I have servers that won't serve certain families or couples. 

-If you tip your server poorly, they often tell me before you walk out. I am probably going to throw you some shade or not thank you for your business. 

-We have a complimentary valet. I don't appreciate when a gentleman (read: asshole) bundled up in his winter coat and gloves asks me (in a dress and high heels) to "run his ticket out to the valet" in the snow. Ladies, if you ever see your man pull this move--here's your sign (thank you Bill Engvall).

-Approaching me by saying: "You know, I never complain, but..." Okay, so don't. I hear this at least once a night and usually it's from people that complain. A lot. A complaint is a complaint. Sometimes they are valid. Most are not.